Now or Never Read online

  “Did you have your own room?”

  Derrick looked away. “No.”

  “And you had the nerve to get pissed off at me?” Grayson clenched her fist at her side. “I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Gray.” He reached out to touch her, but she pulled away.

  “Don’t call me that. Why did I let myself fall for you? I knew it was stupid. Heather warned me. My sister warned me, but I didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen. You were like some damn addiction. I couldn’t get enough of you. The more you pulled away, the more I wanted you.”

  Reaching for her hand, he said, “It’s the same for me. The day you laid your stupid rules out, I knew you were bad news. But, there was something about you. I just couldn’t walk away. Believe me, I tried, several times.”

  “Chemistry?” she said bitterly.

  He shook his head. “Chemistry fades. It’s got to be more than physical attraction.” He traced the curve of her upper lip, and she trembled at his touch. Taking her hand, Derrick caressed her skin with his thumb. “I want you Gray. I’ve always wanted you.”

  “Obviously not enough,” she said pulling away from his grasp, tucking her hands beneath her thighs.

  “That’s not true. I was confused. I’m used to being on my own and not getting deeply involved. It’s always been about sex for me. I used women. I’m a selfish bastard. The way you make me feel scares the hell out of me. You’re a chink in the armor.”

  Grayson rolled her eyes. “What does that even mean?”

  “Like, you were warned. I never settle down. I haven’t wanted to after my ex cheated on me. I never wanted to feel that vulnerable again. Hell, I can’t even recall most of the girls’ names I’ve been with.”

  “What about Megan?”

  “I know it doesn’t make sense to you. It doesn’t really make sense to me either. I thought of her as a friend. She’s like one of the guys. She’s got a lot of issues, but I’ve never felt anything for her. I don’t even really like her, but she was nice enough to help me out, and I took advantage of it. She knew I ‘dated’ other women. She didn’t care. I guess I started acting different once I met you.”

  “Different how exactly?”

  “For one, I stopped seeing other women and kept you a secret. Another thing, I think in the last five or six months since we met, Megan and I only had sex twice. And trust me, she’s very persistent.”

  Grayson couldn’t help the twist in her stomach at the thought of him with another woman. “I don’t get why you told me you lived with a guy on your team; a guy who had a child.”

  Derrick shrugged. “I’m a liar, Gray. I used the same line on everyone, and it was just a habit. My training goes with the mentality, you tell a lie, and you take it to the grave. Sometimes I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. So I don’t expect you to still want to be with me. I just felt I owed you the truth.”

  Grayson let the information sink in. As angry and hurt as she felt, the reality was she hadn’t behaved much better herself. They were a mess.

  “Are you sure you don’t have more feelings for Megan then you want to admit?” she asked softly.

  Derrick laughed bitterly. “I’m positive.”

  “Well, you must like her to be in her company so often.”

  “Not necessarily. I assure you, Gray, she doesn’t make my palms sweaty and my knees weak, the way you do.” His voice was low and tightened things deep within her. He always knew what to say to bring her back.

  Clearing her throat, Grayson sat up straighter. “So where does that leave us?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Grayson frowned. “Derrick. I really can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I can’t go back to being some girl you fuck when you have free time on your hands. I can’t be okay with knowing that you’re going home to another woman every night. I just can’t do it.”

  “Don’t say that.” His voice was gruff as he reached out and grabbed her arms, pulling her to him. His lips crashed down on hers, his hands tangling in her hair. He kissed her so roughly, so full of passion and desire. His tongue stroked hers, his mouth hard and demanding.

  But she forced herself to pull away. “Stop it! I’m done with the mind games. I know I told you not to fall in love with me. I should have taken my own advice. I’m crazy about you, Derrick, and I want to explore this relationship, but I cannot and will not be second fiddle. You need to make up your mind. It’s now or never. Make your damn choice.”

  CHAPTER 35

  In the short beat of silence after her declaration, Grayson held her breath. A part of her was already resigned to the fact he was out of reach. That he would forever be a playboy, never ready to settle down or choose.

  However, she was wrong.

  “I’ll take now,” he said roughly and pulled her back to him. “That’s what I came here to tell you, but I’m obviously doing a poor job.”

  For a few stunned seconds, Grayson was speechless. Her voice trembled. “Do you really mean that?” she asked through tears. She could feel the heat of his fingertips through her clothes. “You want me, and only me?

  “I’ve always wanted you. You terrify the hell out of me, and you’re probably going to crush my soul, but I’m willing to take the risk. When I woke up in the hospital, all I could think about was how stupid I was for ignoring you just because my ego was hurt. I hated the thought of another man touching you. I was so jealous. I don’t do jealous, but something about you…somehow you got so deep under my skin. I don’t want to share you. I know it’s selfish, but I want you all to myself.”

  “I don’t want to share you either.” Grayson threw her leg over his and straddled him on the couch, cupping his face between her hands. She could feel his arousal through his pants as his hand slid up her thigh.

  His gaze didn’t waver as he said, “Trust doesn’t come easy to me.”

  “We’ll have to earn each other’s trust. Will you move out? End whatever it is you have going on with Megan?”

  Derrick nodded running his fingers through her hair. “I’ll get my own place. You can help me pick it out.”

  “Will you stay the weekend here with me?” One by one Grayson undid the buttons of his shirt and pulled out the shirt tails. He had on a white T-shirt underneath, and she wanted to rip it off him. She needed to feel his skin on hers.

  “Definitely,” Derrick replied, his voice rough.

  “I’m so glad you’re alive,” Grayson whispered, feeling lame because the statement didn’t really convey the extent of how happy she was he’d survived.

  “Me too,” he murmured into her neck and pulled away to look at her, “I’m sorry I was such an ass.”

  Grayson drew a shaky breath and said quietly, “I’ve never been this afraid.”

  “If you weren’t, I would be worried. We’ll take it one day at a time. I’m sure it won’t all be smooth sailing. I’ll still get jealous and insecure, and we’ll both doubt each other, but anything worthwhile is never easy.”

  She made a face. “I hope I’m enough to tame your wild ways.”

  Derrick laughed, but sobered quickly. “I think that goes both ways. It seems like you had a little too much fun while I was gone.”

  Grayson didn’t miss the way his body tensed. “We’ve both been horrible. Can’t we try starting fresh? Turn over a new leaf, or whatever it is they say?”

  “Do you think we really could just move on from the past?” Derrick asked, running his hands up her bare arms. “I’m worried it’s this big hatchet hovering over our head, and we’ll never have a real chance at moving forward.”

  “I think if we want this bad enough we’re going to have to,” Grayson said simply. “I know it won’t be easy for either of us, but I’m willing to put in the effort if you are.”

  “More than willing.”

  “What do we do now?”

  Derrick’s lips quirked up. “As much as I hate to say it, I think we should spend time together with our clothes on and get to know each oth
er.”

  “That could be fun.” Grayson grinned; her hand slipped up his T-shirt and she ran her fingers across his muscular back. “Just as long as we don’t always have to keep our clothes on.”

  “I’m sure we can make some allowances.” Derrick’s hand traveled under her shirt causing a moan to escape her lips. It had been way too long.

  Grayson leaned down and pressed her lips to his. His kiss left her momentarily breathless. He dipped his head, trailing his hot lips down her collar bone and then down to her breast, sucking her nipple through her cotton shirt, sending a jolt between her legs. She gasped his name.

  Derrick rose to his feet and pulled her gently up, leading her to her bedroom. He pushed through the door, and she wrapped her arms around him, her chest pressed to his. She could feel his heart beating rapidly.

  “Can you?” Grace whispered.

  “I can try. I might not be up to my old standards.” He pulled her shirt off and tossed it on the ground reaching back to unclasp her bra.

  He took a moment to stare at her his green eyes raking slowly down her whole body as if he was memorizing every inch of her. “I don’t deserve you.” His gaze met hers his hands by his side.

  “Shut up and kiss me,” Grayson said with a smile. Their lips met again in a deep desperate kiss that left Grayson’s head spinning.

  Derrick threw off his button-down shirt.

  When Grayson tugged off his T-shirt, she gaped in astonishment. A pink, puckered scar about three inches thick ran down the full length of his stomach.

  “Oh my god.” She ran her hand down it, the baby soft skin a contrast against his rigid body.

  “Flayed me open.” His body was tense, and she wondered if he was self-conscious about this huge mark on his beautiful body.

  “I see that. You know, scars are sexy.” She tilted her head and ran her tongue along the scars on his face, then down his neck stopping to lightly kiss the pulse in the hollow of his throat. Slowly, Grayson continued down his chest and stomach to the top of his pants. She ran her hands down the full length of him.

  He cleared his throat as she fumbled with the buttons of his pants. “They’re everywhere. I guess that makes me extra sexy.”

  Grayson slipped his pants down his thighs, running her hands down his muscles; she paused at one of the many divots in his skin. “Does it hurt when I touch it?”

  “No.” He ran his hand through her hair. “I’ve missed you.” He whispered pulling her back up and pressed his forehead to hers. The move felt so intimate and sweet. She stared into his eyes and bit the corner of her lip, suddenly shy.

  Even though they’d had sex dozens of times, this felt different. She was nervous as if it was their first time. Her heart pounded in her ears, and butterflies danced in her stomach.

  He trailed his finger down the side of her jaw and smiled. Her desire for him made her dizzy.

  Stepping backwards, Grayson waited until she felt her bed and pulled Derrick down with her.

  Holding himself up by one of his arms his other hand trailed down her stomach. His fingers dipped inside and caressed her knowingly. “Jesus, Grayson I’ve missed the feel of you.”

  “Me too.” Grayson groaned trembling with need as her hips arched silently begging him to enter her.

  “Come for me first.” Derrick’s voice was thick as his thumb circled the swollen ball of flesh and his fingers stroked her until her body tensed, and her legs shook uncontrollably. Waves of pleasure caused her mind to completely go blank. An aching emptiness filled her when he pulled his hand away.

  Grayson groaned in protest.

  “So greedy,” Derrick whispered when she rose her hips again.

  “I love you,” Grayson murmured.

  “Do you?” His eyes bore into hers, and watched her face when he slid slowly inside.

  “Yes,” Grayson moaned enjoying the sensation of the fullness of him.

  She’d been so lonely for him over the months. His lower lip brushed the curve of her ear, and silent tears fell down her cheeks. His strong forearms slid under her back, and his hand gripped her shoulders. She lifted her hips eagerly, and her hands roamed his thick arms. She felt safe and secure in his arms.

  He paused and looked down at her. “And I love you, Gray.”

  Grayson wrapped her legs around him pulling him closer. She couldn’t seem to get close enough. So long she’d waited to hear those words from his lips.

  Every thrust left Grayson gasping. Her whole body was hypersensitive. Usually when they had sex, it was fast and frantic, but this time it was slow, lingering and sweet as if they were savoring every second.

  She ran her fingers across his sweat-slick muscles of his broad shoulders, and moaned into his mouth.

  She never wanted to let him go. For the first time, she gave herself over completely to him. There was no holding back, no fear, just the primal need to be with him. She knew they belonged to each other. Her whole body shivered in pleasure when he brought her body to climax, again and again.

  She felt so wonderfully alive in his arms. It was strange, but for some reason, when he looked into her eyes, she felt like he was really seeing her, flaws and all. What surprised her most was that he looked like he loved everything he saw.

  Deeply content, Grayson laid her head on Derrick’s chest. Every muscle in her body was limp. She laid there in a haze, feeling warm and protected coiled in his arms.

  She was the first to break the silence. “You know you’re the boy my mom warned me about,” she told him, poking his chest playfully.

  “Guy on a motorcycle?”

  Grayson laughed, “A Taurus. She said I wouldn’t be happy until I found one.”

  Derrick gave her a lopsided smile, and Grayson nuzzled up against the warmth of him. In that moment, curled against his side, their hand’s meeting on his chest, she had never felt so close to another human being.

  Derrick’s lips touched the inside of her wrist, and she sighed softly. “I want to make you happy, Gray.”

  Hope and joy soared through her, though it was mixed with a touch of fear. They’d been through so much, both bad and good. There was no guarantee they’d make it, no matter how dedicated they were, but she was okay with that. She didn’t know where the relationship would go exactly, but for now she was willing to enjoy the ride.

  A.J. Bennett

  A.J. Bennett lives in Nashville, Tn with her husband and bulldog. She’s addicted to coffee, popcorn and books. To find out more about A.J checkout her website. www.ajbennettauthor.com

  Acknowledgments

  I would like to thank everyone involved in helping this book become a reality. My husband for his unwavering support. My beta readers Amy and Heather for their invaluable input. The editors Heather and Allison for their patience with my comma issues. Eden Crane for the gorgeous cover.

  Sneak Peek

  Shattered Perfection

  by Piper Caleb

  Chapter One

  And so it is… March 11, 2005

  Day One

  Pulling up with a car full of luggage, the taxi driver said to me, “Well aren’t you just a girl with a lot of baggage.” All I could do was roll my eyes and say literally under my breath. Did he not know where he was taking me when I said “The Fererra Center”? Maybe he didn’t, but still some people just shouldn’t be allowed to speak.

  Today was “overwhelming” to say the least. I am trying to take in everything I can.

  I had the choice to go to group after dinner or to stay for relaxation (aka they watch you like hawks for two hours after each meal to make sure everything stays down). I went to group…or “processing” as they call it here. I didn’t plan on saying a word, but I also wasn’t planning on having someone stare at me for two hours, so group it was.

  I am actually really glad I went to the group. There was this girl in there who was like me in the eating disorder category…aka you name it I got it. Anorexia, bulimia, binging, purging, you name it I did it.

  Anyway
, the girl’s name is Jessie and she had the most gorgeous long brown hair I have ever seen. I tuned out of her never ending bitching about a girl at the dinner table across from her who apparently was hiding her butter and she was pissed the staff didn’t catch it. She was constantly playing with her hair, even pulling some strands out while she was talking…that’s all I could focus on. The staff member who was running the group tried to get me to speak. I said “pass” and everyone laughed, which should have made me feel more comfortable, but it didn’t.

  I chose the wrong men to be with; I know it so why can’t I fix it? Why can’t I only worry about myself instead of constantly focusing on how I can better the “man” in my life? I need to make myself strong on the inside instead of what is on the outside. I know all of this, but why can’t I put any of it into action? I guess that’s why I am in this place.

  After the break-up with Tucker I found myself utterly and completely beside myself. I wasn’t even in love with him in the last few months of our relationship. I let myself become this person who I thought he wanted me to be, that I lost who I was…if I ever even found that out, I am only 20 years old after all. I lost all of my friends and passions in life when I was with Tuck, so now here I am at 20 years old with no friends and no social life. I am beyond insecure and unaware of who I want to be or what I want out of this life. To say I am uncomfortable in my own skin is the understatement of the century.

  Tuck really fucked with my head. How can you be basically living with someone for almost two years, and decide to just become this different person? I will never forget that day, the day where I became numb. There were warning signs; I just chose to ignore them. Tucker started sleeping back at his parents’ house a couple of nights a week instead of with me every night. He just said it was because it was closer to his work, so I took it for what it was.